***

***

“No!” Buffy woke up with a start. Her whole body was dripping with sweat.


“Buffy.”


The blonde noticed the completely different features of the face in front of her.


“Dawn.” She fell into her arms, trying to hold her as tightly as she could.


“Is she all right?”


“Yes, I am fine, Dawnie. I had a nightmare.” Buffy calmly explained. “No, wait!” She continued, a little confounded, and released Dawn’s body from her hug, trying to grasp her question. “What do you mean 'is she’?”


“Is Buffy all right?”


“Dawn, I'm right here, I'm fine.”


“You’re never here. You can’t even stand to be around me. You don’t want to be here with me.”


That’s not true.


“Why did you leave me, Buffy?”


I didn’t.


“Dawn, I have never left you.”


“You always hurt the ones you love!” Dawn cried out.


Suddenly, her face changed and she became Buffy.

“What you are, how you’ll die—alone.”


Buffy reached to touch her counterpart, shocked. The double leered and turned into vapour.

***

Once upon a time, I did something good: I saved the world by sharing my power. Girls all over were given the strength to fight not only demons, but their way through life. Hard, complicated, crushing life. Yeah, that was my noble deed, what I did. Yay me!


Buffy sat peacefully in front of the large window, staring at the gentle raindrops, purling quietly on the dusty earth.


Never had she felt as lonely as she did now. Living, scrapping, slaying, dying; it all looked the same to her. She’d given up her entire life in the struggle against evil and what she had received in return was no home, no normality, nothing real. Only loneliness and a great burden she didn't ask for. It's not her choice, if only she could…change everything. Then maybe she finally would be happy.


A little sweet drop splashed on the ground, scattering in all directions, part of the water tenderly pecking at the nearby lovely flower. I’m that drop! Buffy exclaimed in her own mind. Not only cookie dough, but a drop. She laughed at her own silly metaphors. I never seem to reach life and all its beauty, just like that drop that only brushes against the flower but never fully tastes its marvel. She embraced herself hard, eyes getting teary.


The sky was dark and grimy, the soil was muddy and the wind was rising strongly, inspiring sadness in delicate, fragile souls. Souls? A lot of people gave their souls and got one for her, for the mighty Buffy. Yet she just pushed them away. Why? If only they knew (if only she knew) then things would be completely different.



What was I thinking, what am I thinking? Absurd! Buffy brushed a tear aside with her white pullover’s sleeve. Last time she had ever had a sense of emotion and warmth was her final day in Sunnydale. Her home, her journey for seven years. Ever since, she had been wallowing in self-pity. She clenched her fists.



My hand was burning , my heart was beating . And I was happy, I was complete, I-- Buffy noticed another drop falling on her window, not even reaching the splendour of the magnificent ruby-red poppy. Her face darkened in obscurity…didn’t feel anything. The voice murmured miserably and she lightly touched her wet cheek, carelessly petting her eyelash. She closed her eyes, hiding from herself. Another drop, again dispersion, death. Her heart could not take any more.


I used to feel, I used to be loved; I loved, I hurt...my pain rankled.


“Buffy, Buffy, wake up!” The voice was loud and obviously very near, jarring her ears. Something was shaking her whole body.


Buffy's sleepy eyes opened up dizzily and she critically examined Willow, standing in front of her and smiling, still shaking her.


“Whoa,” uttered Buffy, still giddy. The only word that she identified in the red-headed girl's answer was “asleep”. The blonde rubbed her wearied eyes and sat up straight. “Oh, I fell asleep,” she exclaimed, managing to form a complete sentence.


“Yep. And it was my not-so-easy job to get you out of it.” Willow said brightly.


“Uh-huh,” muttered Buffy incoherently. "So, why would you do that?”


“Well, I thought that--” she stumbled, entangled. “Um. It’s a brand new day and...”


“Brand new day?” Buffy jumped unexpectedly, hurting her leg on the wooden floor and glaring at the somber window. The sky was icy blue and the sun was spreading its love everywhere, except not her side, not her cheeks, not her hair. “I overslept,” She groused crossly. "No! Wait! I slept the whole day?”


“No, no. It stopped raining,” explained Willow, confused by her rapid reaction. Calm down.


Buffy took her place by the window a bit irate more by the fact, the sunshine was not penetrating…her.


Willow scanned her annoyed face, still perplexed.


“Do you want some cocoa?”


Buffy did not answer her best friend’s question, instead frowning at the bright poppy. Why did it get so much love?


“Buffy?” said Willow, confounded, knowing that what she would ask would be a complete waste of words. “Is everything okay?”


Not that it ever was.


“Oh, uh--there’s. Just,” answered Buffy’s muddled head. Why must it be so hard, Will? shouted the slayer.


Willow budged slightly and looked in the other direction.


“Just what?”


“There’s nothing,” Buffy continued. Just me as always.


“If something’s bothering you, you know you can always tell me, right?” Not that she usually did!


A lot of things are bothering me. I am a selfish person, always complaining, always pushing people away, just because. I am the whole problem, I am superior, always have been. But I have been living in my own little world for quite a long time now. You should know better.


“Of course I know. I can tell you everything." You’re my best friend. And there’re still things you don’t know.


“I guess so…I mean yes, that’s true…” Mumbled the witch warily “But you are not Miss-share my joys and sorrows these days, you know.”


The burden I have is not a gift for sharing.


“I know that there are a lot of things on your mind right now, but I don’t remember raising the interdict do not ever share problems with your best friend.” Willow made an attempt to crack a joke, but it obviously wasn’t on spot.


Buffy smiled a bitter smile, turning her face in order to stare at the miraculously wonderful day outside.


If only you knew how I felt.


Willow flinched and swallowed with difficulty.


If only you told me, she thought.


If only I could tell you, whispered Buffy’s consciousness.


But you know you can and still never do.


“There isn’t much to share, Will.”


“I know that things between you and Dawn aren’t really perfect these days.”


“They really aren’t.” She answered absent-mindedly. “Come to think of it, though, they never really were.”


“She’s is your little sis and plus a booby homo-bombe teenager. You know how teenagers are? How we were? With all of our strange habits.”


“Maybe.”


“Maybe as in “Yeah, Willow, you’re right” or “I am getting tired of listening to you, so let’s just make a compromise,” She grinned.


“No. Maybe as in: The only strange habit I had was stalking vampires at night, hunting and slaying them, when I should have shopped, talked about boys and yes, even studied.”


“She isn’t exactly Miss “Duty-free”, either.”


“She isn’t too busy as well, is she now?” Buffy gave her friend an angry and annoyed look.” I don’t know. Things haven’t been good since Sunnydale. More fighting, more arguing about tommyrot.”


“What’s tommyrot for you is life for her.” Or have you forgotten?


No need to exaggerate. I don’t think Dawn is the biggest problem right now.


“Will, I appreciate it, but I really think I can handle everything. I’ve got it under control.”


Why do you keep lying to yourself, Buffy?


Why do I keep lying to myself? Why can't I admit it? I don’t care, because my mind just keeps coming back to the same moment and everything else just doesn’t matter. I did love. I did.


“I know you did,” muttered Willow, and Buffy’s eyes caught hers suddenly.


“What do you mean, you know?” She asked suspiciously, staring at the embarrassed face next to hers.


“Ahhhh, I know.” Willow stood up stiffly. “That…” I blew the whole thing .“Ah. You can handle it.”


“You said something else?”


“Oh, that! You did not want cocoa -- cause you are not, ah, thirsty! That’s it! You’re not thirsty! I am a very stupid geek. Who would want cocoa on a hot day like today?”


Then she vanished into the kitchen without a word more.


“Yeah.”


Leaving, they always leave . Till I am all alone, in the dark, where I truly belong.


Buffy sighed and toyed with her fingers, noticing a slight gaping wound. It bled unceasingly.


It doesn’t hurt.


Doesn’t hurt me.


Then she turned and peered into a small rain drop, which was dripping down her window, reflecting the sunshine’s color. A fragile smile illuminated her face.

***

Buffy was laying on her bed, tired, trying to find peace in her sleep, the only place she could.


I push them, I push them all away.


I always do, cause I am--what was that word?


Unattainable.


The bed was cold, rather solid and very uncomfortable.


I give. I sacrifice, but never find my own peace.


She noticed a tiny red spot on her pillow.


Just when we made it so nice.


Her blood from her flesh.


I can’t feel.


I want the fire back.


The starry sky was gorgeous, but something leapt to the eye. As if something just wasn’t right tonight. The moonlight was somehow different.


Different.This is who I am: the Slayer, the Insufferable one, the one with all the power…


I'm a shadow.


And I'll die -- alone.


She turned to lie on her back, pushing away her upsetting thoughts and noticing the uneasiness she was feeling from today’s cramp, when she had fallen asleep. Still no pain, no anguish. The silence outside was disturbed by a strange noise.


Am I living or dying? Does it really matter?


She fell asleep.


Unattainable, that’s it.


Suddenly Buffy straightened up, eyes full of horror. Her light purple night gown waved lazily because of the nocturnal breeze.


His hair shimmered in the darkness, reflecting the sickle moon.
Her cheeks blushed deeply and she licked her lips.


“Buffy.”


And that's all she heard.


I did feel. I did love him.